The Pursuit for Life

Ring Ring Ring

2012-01-29T20:52:00.002+08:00

i think i am going to change my ring tone for now. my current ring tone has attracted a lot of dreaded calls.

guess i also need to work my ass off too cause these calls are from my current work....

Package Deal

2012-01-28T13:34:00.002+08:00

hi!

im back. but not for long. right about now, i am late for nearly two weeks for my assignments in my class and i still need to lose about three kilos so i can definitely say i am safe for hiring.

work is work. still adapting to the routines and to the hugeness of patient assignment. before, i only handled two patients for each shift. now? minimum of three!

my preceptor is the best. though we had a rough time two weeks ago (an incident which i think was a little bit insignificant), i will still say that i got the best one. very patient and very kind to my needs as a newbie.

my new work has a lot of great people. except for two staff nurses who are bitching about their greatness and our weaknesses. well, they are everywhere so i guess i have to deal with them just like the old times.

sleep has been a luxury for me. i am slowly becoming a panda with the eye bags that accompany me during night and afternoon shifts. just like the good old days.

for now, i am going to savor each learning moment and try to be the best that i can be. i have to remind myself that this is what i have been yearning for since 2010.

so the complicated routines, expectations, work load and crazy schedule, they are all part of this blessing.

hey you, how are you doing? i hope you are fine.

Released

2012-01-22T18:47:00.002+08:00

allow me to release some mildly-rich temper that i have been keeping for the past 20 million days.

arrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

why must bitches exist in this world?

i can't.

Good

2012-01-13T17:23:00.002+08:00

wow. it has been 12 days since i did my last post here. this is happening again- me losing track of time due to work and away from my blog.

i am not complaining though. even if i had to sleep at 8 am and wake up at 5pm to work. or assist patients void, like at least every hour.

this is my life and this is what i asked for. i am okay and i am liking the way things are.

so, how are you? i hope you are all good.

Understand

2012-01-01T20:47:00.002+08:00

hi!

i would like to start the year by doing this: understanding other people. i believe much of my complains, discontent, loneliness and unhappiness can be solved by understanding other people.

in the process, i get to understand myself better. this year, i plan to achieve more, to be more positive and to be healthier. i only see possibilities and opportunities this year.

i did not wear great clothes or filled my pockets with money when 2011 bid goodbye and 2012 entered the scene. i was just there- silent and praying that God may lead me again through this year. that He may open my heart to His desires for my life. that my eyes see His wonderful plan for me. that He may direct my heart into understanding more the people around me. that He may touch my heart and be open to loving unconditionally.

Three Things

2011-12-31T12:57:00.006+08:00

beginnings, closures and starting over.

these words perfectly describe my year.

i was about to begin a new life in libya when a revolution decided that it was not for me. i had a closure when i withdrew my papers and started again with my life at the office after retracting my resignation.

i was about to begin my nursing career at the bedside with my old company when my attempt was rejected. i searched for other hospitals until san culas came. now, i am starting over at the telemetry unit.

i have already said that i was praying to be back at the bedside by the first quarter of 2012 but even now, God has decided that i have to be at the bedside by December of 2011.

God is so merciful that even if i end up with a failure or a closure, there is always another beginning where i could start over again.

my faith tested and my endurance was showing its prowess. friends, families and enemies as well has given me the force to continue and to carry on with my life.

goodbye 2011. you have changed me forever.

welcome 2012. i welcome you with great hope knowing that with God, you will be a prosperous year for me and my family. and that you will prove to be better than 2011!

2011 Part 4

2011-12-31T12:57:00.005+08:00

october

twins' birthday. first semestral break from my masters'. got a 1.25 and 1.00 for my two subjects, yay! after waiting for almost a month and getting busted at the office for applying at san culas, i finally got the text that i was scheduled for an examination. i passed and i moved on with the first part of the interview portion...

november

chriselle went home from canada! reunion at red box! yay!

one of the most stressful months of the year as i had to process my application for san culas while still employed with fundamental tossan. i was absent for at least five days and stress was building up on me.

then i passed the final interview. medical exam almost did not allow me to proceed as i had elevated blood pressure and i was overweight. i risked it and started with training at san culas. i resigned from work and had to serve a two-week notice so for two weekss, attended training from 8-5 then from 7-11 pm, i had to go to work at fundamental tossan. weekdays were also spent at work but i did not complain. i was happy with san culas...

december

never expected i could be busier than when i was working at the office. i was making videos, taking exams and performing nursing skills for training. i was tired but i was happy.

got new friends and learned so many things. monster mom is becoming money monster mom. boo! christmas and new year with only the four of us at home. glad to have my relatives from my mom's side. yay!

2011 Part 3

2011-12-31T11:07:00.008+08:00

july

met poan! yay! went to their place to celebrate lei's first birthday. lechon!

august

had my acls training and i passed after almost bleeding to death of the things that i had to learn. jonah left our house and went home. benj was mad at me for over a week after my comment on his post. my stupid mouth was to blame.

september

birthday month! pau went home and the gang went to enchanted kingdom. celebrated my day with three of my closest friends- christian, pat and may at trinoma! yay!

tried to ask for transfer to the nursing service but got rejected. i was told to make a back up plan so i did. i passed my credentials at san culas.

2011 Part 2

2011-12-31T11:06:00.002+08:00

april

met sheila who came home from saudi. truly one of my closest friends. we talked about our careers and life in general. from here, i decided to take chances if ever i pursue my career with quality management or if there is a chance to go back to the bedside.

may

still not in a harmonious relationship at home. botcha girl was still botcha. big boss rejected the request of his another staff to transfer at the bedside making me consider my chances of doing the same.

benj went home!

june

started school at upou! yay! mavs won their first nba crown! wohoo! watched hillsongs concert! yayuh!

2011 Part 1

2011-12-31T01:39:00.004+08:00

as i grow old, i become more sentimental. this year, i have been through a lot of emotional, psychological and physical challenges that looking back, i feel a mix of joy, sadness, relief and gratefulness.

so now, i am taking a moment of the remaining time before i bid goodbye to this year of knowing myself more. to the year that has stretched my endurance towards the challenges of life.

january

i grabbed the chance for an interview to be back at the bedside. at the end of the month, i was busy preparing my papers.

february

i resigned from work and told them i was going to libya. i was done with my medical exam, papers (care of my sister) and resignation letter. did not sign my regularization papers and then, protests in egypt occurred and the next thing i knew, libya was in revolution as well.

my sister left the country for qatar when i was sure i was leaving the country. i had to accept the fact that my chance to work overseas disappeared into thin air. i could not do nothing but watch.

march

the twins were done with college. dad left for haiti and i retracted my resignation. i accepted the fact that i will be working still with bitchy boss and botcha girl.

i started looking for school were i can take my masters. anne from egypt and i had dinner as we reminisced the past where all we could care were the patients to take care of. we were both clueless as to where to go again after the libyan dream was put on hold. indefinitely.

Four

2011-12-31T01:19:00.003+08:00

four.

mom, me and the twins. the four of us will be celebrating the new year at our home. as far as i can recall, this is the first time that we will welcome the coming year with four people.

suddenly, i felt myself swallowing the words i said to those people wanting to be complete come Christmas. i never felt the silence of our house nor the spaces that were so used to the noise of many people- my dad, sis and jonah.

this year is different. but still, many thanks to you 2011.

Broke But Happy

2011-12-31T01:01:00.002+08:00

i spent my night walking in front of our house trying to burn the extra cups of rice i have taken at dinner.

this is good. at least, i was spared from spending at least 300 pesos for food and coffee at our annual high school reunion.

at the last minute, i bailed out. i was a good liar to my friends/ classmates. i thought that i need to save some money as i am not sure if i will have some money to spend in the next three weeks for food.

i am literally broke.

but you know what, i am happy that i am broke for the right reason. my current status professionally has given me the reason to wake up with extra excitement knowing i will wear my white uniform and that later during the day, i will be at the bedside.

in the mean time, i still need to lose 6 more kilos and the holiday season is not helping me at all. good luck!

Hoping

2011-12-30T22:26:00.003+08:00

hi.

was busy again as i started my real clinical exposure at the telemetry unit. i miss this- writing my heart on this humble home.

i hope i can all write my emotions, experiences and lessons learned for this year before it ends.

always,

charl

Hearty

2011-12-24T09:24:00.005+08:00

i had enough with the negative posts.

this is me, channeling the more positive person that i can be. so i will begin with my work now. as you know, i am still with the training department of the nursing service. yesterday was my second day of deployment at the unit which i will be assigned.

if the guy from london is into the kidneys and the guy from california is into bones, i have just re-affirmed my commitment to the heart.

in the past, i have worked as a critical care nurse handling cases from the medical intensive care unit and the coronary care unit. however, i was really handling more medical icu cases rather than the coronary cases.

when our area of assignment was announced, i was not entirely happy. i wanted an intensive area of assignment but i was placed at the telemetry unit. all of that changed when i had my exposure at the telemetry unit. i realized that the cases admitted at the unit were exactly similar to what i was handling at the coronary care unit in egypt.

even the medications and the routine were somehow close to what i had before. and with that, i fully embraced my assignment. in fact, it was the next best thing to my first choice of assignment which was coronary care unit. with my new work, the coronary care unit is just five steps away from our unit. logically, if i wanted to be transferred to the intensive area, it would be best if i will be at the coronary care unit.

our plans are really limited. we thought that with our plan, it is the best one for us. when shit happens, we sulk and feel down. this Christmas, i have learned to fully trust Him with my life- career, love life, finances, family and happiness.

Merry Christmas!

*picture taken here.

400

2011-12-23T23:30:00.002+08:00

i guess 400 years was not enough for you to be honest with yourself that you are really not that bright to be at par with your colleagues who came from schools you never heard of.

or schools you do not want to recognize. and so you decided to intimidate the gentleman whom you consider as your friend to change the answers of your exam. sensing that he would not give in, you just grabbed your paper without giving a thought to the other people inside the room.

and i guess, being the pontifical one did not make you a human being who knows how to work with other people and much more exhibit values that should be inherent to people who come from your institution.

good luck to you. may you prove your self-proclaimed worth.

Copa del Rey

2011-12-23T23:21:00.000+08:00

i am saying adios to you. keep safe and strong.

Changes

2011-12-17T21:22:00.002+08:00

hi!

this is me, charl. i hope you still remember me. yes, i have been very busy the past few days but i would like you to know that i am very happy. so happy that i don't miss fundamental tossan at all.

i have new friends now. i laugh more and i interact with people you might think i would not bother giving attention. i encourage people a lot.

it is with pleasure to announce also that i did not hate myself for getting scores of 3/5 for my skills validation exam. i did not blame other people but focused on myself. perfection is something i do not long for. i am for the learning and improvement.

i am not perfect also. and i am loving every minute of it. these changes i guess were something i needed.

God is really good. two months ago, i was praying to be back at the bedside by next year. today, the year will end with me back at the bedside. there is really a God in this world that is full of doubt, hatred and chaos.

yes i am financially broke but i am happy. i did not leave. i was just busy enjoying life. :-)

Just Because

2011-11-27T09:17:00.003+08:00

i am at the office right now. from this moment, it shall be exactly three days more before my time is up to what has been my home for more than a year.

then, a new place awaits my arrival.

one of the things that you encounter when leaving a comfort zone is the fact that you do not know anything about the new place beyond your zone. i will tell you at this moment that i am scared.

but, i really want this bad. so i will not stop just because i am frightened or a crazy voice in my mind keeps telling me to be embarrassed for having to start all over again when some of my batch mates are already seniors in the institution.

by this time, i think i am old enough to know what matters most.

happy sunday!

Right and Happy

2011-11-26T11:09:00.003+08:00

as the guy from london said his goodbyes, i was also saying mine to fundamental tossan.

there was only one person who wished me well about my departure. well, the only person who cares about my future being her friend. for that, i will be truly grateful to her.

on tuesday, it will be my last day here.

you know how i feel? i feel happy. excited. and liberated. not that i hated working here it is just that, it is about time that i think about my career and professional growth.

my training with san culas is more than what i expected. every minute counts and every lesson is valuable. the difference is the quality and i can perfectly say, i made the right choice.

in the past, i have always been plagued with negative thoughts. worse, regrets. regrets for doing this thing or for not doing the other thing. i am that of a pessimist. a realistic which sometimes borders on being cynical and somehow not trusting myself and the Creator.

i talked to the guy from london yesterday. at the exact moment he was boarding the train en route to his new home. he was happy too.

you just know when you made a right decision. it just feels right.

Alive

2011-11-23T20:21:00.002+08:00

hi!

sorry, pagod lang. sobrang puyat at ang dami lang ginagawa. ok naman ako. buhay pa naman mula sa halos walang tulog na set-up hanggang mairaos ang huling araw sa fundamental tossan.

mahirap pero ginusto ko. eto muna ngayon. paalam!

Shut Down

2011-11-18T20:14:00.002+08:00

second day of training.
time: 8:20 p.m.
current mood: pissed

few minutes ago, i spent 150 pesos just to reach my workplace on time. but, i did not. then my brother called me. i repeated to him my request of bringing my clothes to the laundry shop but told me he was informed by our youngest sibling to just bring my clothes at home so the housemaid will do it for me.

however, he hesitated and asked me if he is the one to bring back the clothes to manila. come to think of it, who else but him? he knows my schedule. i barely sleep and stay at home. i come late at night and i am the first one to leave the house. how is it possible that it would be me to bring back the clothes?

forgive me but i was really irritated. he could have just said okay with the laundry and just left the part of bringing the clothes in pampanga to the rooms of forgetting. but he did not.

i mean, all i need is understanding but then, even the directions i told him for the type of laundry was missed out by him. so i had to speak to him in a raised tone as i am forcing my way to the very congested roads of e. rodriguez avenue. i told him, just do nothing. leave. i will just do it by myself.

i am tired. literally and figuratively. but to get from my mom this response, " Ewan ko ba sa inyo at hindi kayo nagbibigayan. Alam mo namang tamad yan." that's it? no reprimanding or no words to correct the act of my brother? can somebody tell me which part na hindi ako nagbigay for my brother?

with the bombarded brain which i think has decreased its capacity in holding information, i just want to shut down. but as all of you know, i can't. i still have to work tomorrow.

God help me.

ASAP

2011-11-17T19:47:00.001+08:00

today is my first day of training.

and my crash diet.

i need to lose at least 5 kilos asap!

Becoming Panda

2011-11-16T22:22:00.002+08:00

hi!

it is 10:25 pm on my watch and i am at work. this is part of my deal with the gods of the office. starting today, 8-5 pm will be spent on training at san culas while from 7-11 pm, i will be working for fundamental tossan.

i don't know if i will last until november 30. but it is needed since they have accepted my farewell speech.

in few days, i will become a panda.

AWOL

2011-11-12T21:02:00.005+08:00

where do i start?

ahh, two weeks ago. that was the time i had the initial interview. one day later, i was absent again for work since i had to attend my skills exam.

imagine this: i received the text at 8:00 pm. my nursing uniforms were all in pampanga so i had to travel there to get them. woke up at 3 am so i could get at the office at 8am just in time for my presentation.

our meeting where i had the presentation ended at 11:30 am. my skills exam was at 1:00 pm. little boss had asked me to check one memo which took me until 12:30 pm to finish. at 12:45 pm, i was still at greenhills.

walking the streets, it began to rain. tears welled up as i realized how hard my situation was. i uttered a prayer for strength.

exactly at 1:00 pm, i was at san culas. manong taxi was sent by God. the skills exam started at 2:00 pm. i was called for my turn at 4:00 pm and got the results at 5:00 pm.

i passed and i moved on to the final interview.

last tuesday, i had my final interview. i knew i passed the moment i said my goodbye to the panel. actually, i had believed from the start that i can make it this far.

what made me worry was my resignation. it was so immediate that i shocked the two bosses. it was not received positively. in fact, they would not sign it.

the last time i checked, they knew i applied at san culas. so what am i missing here?

in the coming two weeks, they would be tough. in my attempt to leave in a "peaceful" manner, i may have to attend training from 8-5 pm then fly to my current work taking the night shift.

my friends tell me otherwise. and i would like to listen to their advice: AWOL!!!

Ryan

2011-11-12T20:15:00.000+08:00

thanks for the call...

Here and Now

2011-11-06T21:13:00.005+08:00

The idea that "the great opportunities lie just over the horizon, in the next valley, with the next job or the next big thing" is not true. It lies here and now - and you are ready to grab it, regardless of your imperfections. - Paulo Coelho

eto lang naman ang aking status sa fezbuk.

actually, hindi ko alam ang meaning nito. dapat bang magstay ako sa kung ano ang meron? o dapat bang sunggaban kung ano ang offer saken?

dapat bang umasa sa isang bagay na hindi pa dumarating? o dapat humanap ng aking daan para matupad ang mga pangarap?

ang hirap.

*photo taken here.

Toxic Cartwheels

2011-11-05T21:28:00.006+08:00

the past few days i think would top the days where i felt the most stress. toxic!!!

the guy from london has moved to the country side and i guess, i am not to be left out with issues of change.

san culas has finally texted me. this week, we only had three working days due to the holidays. and out of that three, i went to work for only two days since i had to attend to my interviews and exams.

i passed the initial interview the other day and yesterday, i had to sell my skills. the review of my performance was unbelievable that i am close to being hired should i pass the final interview and medical exam.

what is making me feel so much stress is that if i am in with san culas, i have to resign within a span of 9 days. no certificate of employment and i have to pay my loan. though the office may have an idea, it is still hard to bring it out in the open.

i really don't want to burn bridges and i want a merry christmas. transferring means no salary for three months. that i will be living from the support of my family (no savings). and that i will be starting from zero in a new place with no assurance that i will be placed in my favorite area.

as one colleague said, it all boils down to my priority and my one big goal. will the next step bring me closer to my goal?

right now, i feel like i am doing a thousand cartwheels towards my goal.

*photos taken here and here.

21

2011-10-31T21:18:00.004+08:00

21 na sila.

uma-adelle lang ang dalawa. legal na ang dalawang bubwit sa bahay. matapos ang isang araw na binayak ang tiyan ni monster mom, may dalawang monster ang dumagdag sa pamilya.

naging kritikal ang mga panahon na iyon. kahit mag-aanim na taon ako noon, nalaman ko na walang trabaho ang aking puder.

naging mahirap para sa dalawang batang sumususo ng gatas at sa dalawa pang bata na nasa elementarya na.

wala rin naman pinagkaiba sa mga nagdaang panahon. mahirap pero okay lang. nakakaraos ang lahat.

pero ngayong 21 na ang dalawa, i just wish them maturity.

oras na to take things on their own. to learn things beyond those what we teach them. wag lang umasa sa mga sinsabi namin. pero, i don't want them to really be too independent naman. na kapag tinuturuan ko, ayaw naman nilang makinig.

ganyan lang sila. madalas, matigas ang ulo. and paminsan minsan din, hindi gumagana ang aking usual arsenal of weapons- intimidation, blackmail, frame up at persuasion.

sa nakaraang dalawang linggo na magkasama kami ng isang bubwit, madalas kaming mag-away. blame it with generation gap at pagkakaiba ng pagpapalaki, para akong nauupos na kandila sa enerhiya once na nagsimula na ang aming argumento. isang obsessive compulsive at isang burara na walang paki sa iba, i am like exiled sa haiti.

at eto ang resulta ng isang pag-aaway namin.

but thing is, ang presence ng dalawang monster ay hindi rin naman masama. lalo na kapag may mga bagay akong ayaw na gawin. may nauutusan lalo na kapag nauuto.

pero sige, i take this birthday of yours as a step in your growing up. i will give you this chance for proving me wrong.

in the mean time, i need massage. please lang, gawin niyo na kambal dahil matapos kong magpakahirap sa inyong birthday celebration kahapon. now na! or else, ibubunyag ko ang mga sikreto niyo sa facebook!

*photos taken here and here.

Headache and The Bones

2011-10-31T19:24:00.003+08:00

headache.

one sensation that would describe my stay here. long weekend but long bout with the remnants of the flu virus.

so i started spending my vacation by watching what was supposed to be fitting for holloween- the lovely bones.

well, it was not actually scary. it was heavy. heavy in that it struck a lonely feeling. and a sad one.

but, it was alright. i love mark wahlberg as an actor. i can always relate to his vulnerability. it may not be that strong but it has always been effective.

i think i could never sleep alone anyway. not at these times. but crap, i have always been sleeping on my own.

*photo taken here.

Three Things

2011-10-27T18:56:00.004+08:00

three things: inis, pagod at risk.

inis
as fate would have it, i passed the exam. i have moved on to the interview portion with all hopes of not doing a venus raj moment. after scoffing my stock of nursing knowledge, i was gifted with a mini celebration.

with careful thought of what to reason out for being absent, i made my way to the hospital of San Culas. one hour passed, i got a text from the nursing recruitment that the interviewer is sick so i will have to go back at 1pm.

so off i went to home and at 1130 am, i was again inhaling the toxic air of quezon city while corporately dressed in a very hot lunch time. i think i will be sick again after today. as soon as i got off from the jeepney, i got a text again saying that interview is postponed. instead, i will just have to come tomorrow.

i was really irritated for the unprofessional behavior and lack of respect for my time. i may be the one in need of a job but then again, i am still working for another hospital.

pagod
travelling to and fro to San Culas was not easy. i braved the harsh weather conditions of quezon city. i exceeded my daily dose of carbon monoxide. all in the meaningless waste of time and money.

i am tired. my body has not yet recovered from the flu that has hit me over the last two weeks. my cough is still making papansin and i could see eyes in fear over my continuous cough.

risk
i texted the personnel at San Culas to just reschedule my interview. i have too many absences from my current work and getting approval for my leave of absences may be too challenging.

did i just risk my chances for employment? probably. did i just showed my disinterest from the work? i hope not. but thing is, it was just not right for me to be treated like that.

so be it. if they call me again, then thank You, Lord. but if not, then maybe the work is not for me after all.

**********************
ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ, is this what you meant when you said that "sometimes you have to go to where you think the grass is greener to realize the grass is not greener on the other side?"

Miss

2011-10-25T10:51:00.002+08:00

bukod sa exam, ang mga bilin ni ate na ipapadala sa isang taong paalis papunta ng qatar ang isa ata sa mga dahilan kung bakit ako tinamaan ng flu.

ang toxic lang ng Bible na pinapahanap niya. abonado pa ako sa biyahe at paglalakad sa sta mesa.

naisip ko, sige na nga. para sa isang kaluluwang sabik sa mga bagay na galing dito sa pinas.

nung 2008, lumipad ako papunta ng Ehipto para magtrabaho. walang baon na arabic o alam na kaibigan, nangibang-bansa ako.

higit sa pagkamiss sa pamilya, mas namiss ko ang pagkain. ultimo patatas kasi doon ay may lasang arabo. ang tomato sauce, ganun din. pati ang mga noodles na galing ng oriental side ng mundo ay parang may lasang arabo.

hindi gaya sa california na parang hindi ka umalis ng pilipinas, ang ehipto ay okay na rin kumpara sa saudi. well, kung ang pag-uusapan ay ang degree ng iyong kalayaan. nakakalakad naman ako kung saan ko gustong pumunta. hindi kailangan ng permit. ngunit, limitado lang ang mga choices mo- pagkain, lugar na pupuntahan, at mga ibang bagay pa na magpalilibangan.

ang sabi ko kay ate masyadong madami siyang pinapadala. hindi ba siya mapepressure kapag siya ang umuwi? well, mukhang hindi pa nagsisink-in sa kanya ang consequences ng laging pagpapadala sa mga taong paalis o papunta ng qatar.

namimiss daw niya kasi ang food. actually, nagcacrave daw. well, goodluck sa kanyang pagpapayat.

nung magpunta ako ng egypt, ilang buwan pa lang akong nagtatrabaho dun nung natapyas ang ilang kilo ng taba sa aking katawan. marahil sa pagod at kakulangan ng pagkaing pinoy.

hindi ko alam kung kelan ulit ako makakapagabroad. tatlo o limang taon mula ngayon? hindi ko masabi. sa ngayon, ieenjoy ko muna ang mga bagay na meron sa pinas. ang usok, alikabok, mga snatcher, mga bastos na driver, mga basura sa tabi-tabi, mga palengkerang tao. ang traffic, ang mahabang pila kahit saan, mga jeep, kuliglig at mga tambay sa kanto.

Karma

2011-10-24T10:30:00.002+08:00

I don’t know if it is just me or what but I never stay in one place. Well, after a year that is. Man as they say never knew the meaning of contentment. So here I am, pondering the things that have happened over the last few weeks which brought me to the worst flu that has hit me in recent years.

Okay. I admit, I have applied for a nursing position at the hospital of San Culas. It started a month ago when a friend told me they were hiring.

I did and not even 24 hours since my application, it has come out in the open here at the office. Talk about being busted. And awkward.

Apparently, someone from San Culas called the chief nurse of our institution asking why me (a lowly analyst) would apply at their institution. This happened few hours after I submitted my papers at their office for consideration.

In shock or bewilderment probably, the chief nurse called our office and asked if I resigned already. And poof, it became Koko Crunch!

Alarmed, big brother and big sister reached out to me if I want to be at the bedside here at fundamental tossan. I said, I will think about it. Spell hesitation. I reasoned out that the reception of the narsisas here might be different. And awkward. Besides, I made a promise that I will not make my current post as a stepping stone to achieving the fame of a narsisa.

So that was me actually refusing their offer for a nursing post. This has left me thinking if I made the right decision. But, how will I know since San Culas has not yet contacted me.

Fast forward to last Wednesday, San Culas texted me for an exam the following day. After concocting a quite believable reason for sick leave and cramming for reading my notes, I went to the battlefield with nothing to lose.

I passed the first exam, an IQ measurement of some sort. It was one of the most difficult exams that I ever took. I prayed that should I move on to the next round (pageant-like?), it is really meant for me. And yes, I did move on to the next two rounds- the psychometric and the clinical exam.

The clinical exam, which will determine if I will move on to the interview portion, was kinda okay for me. I believed that I was able to answer most of the questions which brings me to question my clinical knowledge.

Why in the world, have I not received a text that I shall move on to the next round when it was supposed to be sent since last Friday? Did I fail the exam? Or is it because the department has not yet texted anybody pending the results of other examinees?

One part of me says that I should be happy. My failure (if I did fail the exam), would mean that I would not have to deal with my student loan at fundamental tossan. It would also mean a better record for my resume since it would show that I can stay in a work for more than a year. After some time, I could then request for transfer to the bedside with the area of my choice. That would also mean I have salary for the Christmas season.

But that would necessitate longer time with botcha girl. Plus the inconsistencies of the system of which I belong.

The other part in me wishes that the absence of a text from San Lucas was just a case of unsent messages. If indeed I failed, this is such a wake-up call of my nursing knowledge.

True to the words of the recruitment personnel, answer like your life depends on it for truly, your life will change should I fail or pass the exam. In what manner? I do not know yet.

Is this a classic case of karma? Or a redirection to where I am supposed to be?

The Next Sign

2011-10-18T15:35:00.001+08:00

Day off. Gabi, mga mag-aalas otso. Papatapos na ang summer ngunit mainit pa rin. Ang langit, maaliwalas pa rin. Walang ulap. Wala ring bituin. Subalit, ang buwan ay nagmamalaki sa kanyang liwanag. Siya ang bida sa kalangitan doon.

Ilang araw ang nakalipas, nabili ko rin ang bagong digital camera na ninanais ko. Pagkatapos ng mga nakakapagod na pagtatrabaho, may naibunga rin ang lahat. Ready na ako para mag-upload ng mga larawan sa aking blog at facebook.

Wala pa rin internet connection ang aming flat. Tahimik. Kaya’t napagdesisyon kong puntahan ang flat ng mga kasama sa trabaho para makigamit ng internet. Dala ang dalawang cellphone, coin purse na may lamang iilang piastres (perang barya sa Egypt), flash drive at ang aking bagong camera.

Mainit ang hingin. Tahimik kong pinihit ang tarangkahan ng aming pintuan sa flat at naglakad ng walang pangamba sa gabi na pinamumunuan ng mga halakhak ng mga batang Egyptian na nagfu-football sa daan.

Ang buong akala ko, mag-isa akong naglalakad. Walang kasunod o walang ibang tao na patungo sa aking direksyon. Wala naman din akong naramdaman na kakaiba. Kaya’t ganun na lang ang aking pagkagimbal nang biglang sumulpot ang isang mama na may hawak na kutsilyo. Pipindot na lang ako ng doorbell ng aking mga katrabaho ngunit nangyari pa.

Hindi ko siya maintindihan.

Basta ang alam ko, hinihingi niya ang aking mga gamit- cellphone, pera at lahat. Napangiwi ako sa takot at kaba. First time ko.

Sa Pilipinas, maswerte ako na hindi ako nakaranas nito. Pero sa lahat ng lugar, dito pa. inisip ko ang aking magiging itsura. Ipapacremate kaya ako o kaya naman ay ireref at ilalagay sa parang kahon na kahoy pauwi sa pilipinas. Morbid pero dumating ako sa punto na what if mamatay ako.

At that point, I told myself na uuwi na talaga ako. Ito na ang hinihingi kong sign.
*************************************************************************
Two years passed, I am home.

My camera is still here but the batteries are not functioning. Luckily, I came home whole- and alive. I guess I am still blessed after all.

Now, the next sign shall be anticipated.

Plus

2011-10-17T09:29:00.002+08:00

good morning monday!

today, i hope i can take it all- the madness, the demands and increasing patience. after what happened last night (a brutal argument with my brother, who is now staying with me), i decided upon opening my eyes from sleep that today will be a different one.

better. more positive.

so this is me trying to change my day.

have a great week ahead!

List

2011-10-16T21:53:00.002+08:00

my list was full.

cook. do the laundry. clean the room. iron uniform. compute finances and make budget. go to church. have foot massage.

out of those tasks, i was not able to do three. i woke up early knowing that my list extends to Fairview. but, i spent half of the day reading nam's earliest post. surprised that he started blogging in 2004, i kinda devoured the posts.

reading them was like reading my blog. especially when he started in the u. s. of a. the emotions, the choice of words and the flow of the story. all natural.

as of this moment, i am resting from doing the other tasks on my list. i think i have a serious problem with procrastination.

this can't be good.

but then again, tomorrow will be another list.

Childlike

2011-10-13T08:36:00.001+08:00

I have read somewhere that you do not stop when you have not achieved what you want to achieve. That you have to work harder in order to fulfill your dreams. That you need to continue searching and working what your heart truly desires.

As one entity advised, I need to have my back-up plans should my attempt to go back to my professional roots fail. With that, I might leave my comfort zone and meet new people who are more atrocious than those I regularly meet.

This is the part where my envy for little children comes in- when somebody decides for them and the only thing that matters to them is playing.

And eating when hungry.

Oprah Positive

2011-10-12T08:44:00.001+08:00

So last Thursday and Friday, I attended something what you may call as the most appropriate workshop ever created for the disturbed employee soul that is in me. It was about the eight habits of conscientious worker.

For all the one or two readers out there in my blog, you know my troubled history of staying in one workplace when I reached that one year anniversary date.

I am that restless.

The workshop provided some new perception about life in general. Including the warfare at the jungle called office. In my last post, I decided to be a bitch but thing is, if it ain’t natural, it ain’t real. Does that make me good? Monster mom tells otherwise haha.

And yes, the workshop was like full of positivity. Really learned a lot especially in having control over all the sh*t the office carefully offers. Like a box of chocolates, I can choose not to pick them. But, experience proves otherwise.

The cheapo soul also was satisfied by given the free access to the video about “The Secrets.” Partly, I can actually tell that it has some truth in it as my state of my mind is in chaos; hence, my career path is also in discord.

Right now, I am trying to create that one big goal that my life will somehow accomplish. Thoughts will be reprogrammed to be positive. Smile lines will be evident in my big face.

And hopefully, this blog will be a lot positive in content.

Like Oprah positive.

Of Bitches and Perfect Life

2011-10-11T16:42:00.003+08:00

bitches.

they are everywhere. in offices. in schools. in churches. in the buses. in the hospital. in the street.

they are those people who remind you that life is not perfect by making their presence felt. like fulfilling the role that was meant for them.

in these times of big decisions, bitches should be non-factor.

this is my life and i intend to make it close to perfect by banishing the roles of the bitches.

well, by being one.

Report Card

2011-10-10T15:25:00.003+08:00

semestral break is finally official.

let me now do an evaluation of my self as a returning student at the post-graduate level.

1. Procrastination

i believe i could ace my exams and assignments if i did not let procrastination rule over me. two of my advanced pathophysiology assignments were done in haste hence, the poor quality.

i am just hoping for a good remark on my final exam and participation from online discussions. this, i should change come next semester.

2. Higher learning

the u.p. approach is different. application and integration of concepts learned bring about higher learning. learning is beyond memorization of concepts.

as for myself, it was not really that different or difficult. this is why i believe i made the right choice in going with u.p.

3. Time management

there was a point during the previous semester when i felt so overwhelmed with school requirements in the midst of a busy work load.

with time management, i believe i will not have difficulty in fulfilling two roles- student and a q.a. and lastly,

4. Discipline

shame on me for wasting a lot of time surfing the net for facebook. really have to have discipline if i want an unblemished academic record.

overall, i give myself a grade of 7 out of 10. this is based on the grades that i have received.

in the mean time, more time for facebook and blogging. (talk about discipline)

Rising Up

2011-10-06T20:51:00.003+08:00

my mp3 is sansa. laptop is fujitsu. mobile phone is nokia.

the only apple product that our family ever had was an ipod nano, which is now in the hands of people who don't know how to earn a living that is why they steal things.

sadness has tainted this day when i am supposed to rise up from negativity. this, i see as an opportunity to build up my vision.

so to people who never feel afraid of conquering what is thought to be impossible, i salute you.

especially you who is now looking down from wherever you are, steve jobs.

Promise

2011-10-03T12:04:00.001+08:00

hayee!

october is here and after the most expensive month that was september, i am here blogging- broke but happy. i'd say that i have never felt this happy during my birthday month. thanks to my friends for an indeed happy birthday.

there is only one thing that i want for my birthday.

please God, grant this gift to me. i promise to be a good nurse this time...

Eat

2011-09-27T20:16:00.001+08:00

Sit

2011-09-27T20:11:00.001+08:00

Win

2011-09-27T20:08:00.000+08:00

Play

2011-09-27T20:07:00.001+08:00

Walk

2011-09-27T20:04:00.000+08:00

Jump

2011-09-27T19:59:00.002+08:00

Today

2011-09-24T20:12:00.002+08:00

let me take this opportunity from my busy schedule to write a meaningful post.

today, i woke up early to study.

today, i smiled a lot to people i do not now.

today, i spoke with random people. i asked how they were.

today, i moved out from my comfort zone by being with people i do not really know personally.

today, i stayed with new friends and even stood for some awkward moments just to be with them.

today, i took my final exams. though unsure of the results, i was happy of the learning and new experiences.

today, i tried to finish all assignments. i was able to maximize my time.

today, i tried something new.

today, i will sleep with a happy heart.

Bouncer

2011-09-17T08:53:00.003+08:00

plans.

i have always made them since i dwell in order. except for my room which is still my next project for making it a little bit clean. and in order.

in my life, i have accounted for failure a little percentage in whatever i do. except for making good plans.

this week, my plan did not work again. a big f*ck up. by now, you may have realized that the only thing i have been putting all my energy and dedication is my career. the more i try, the more i end up hitting roadblocks and dead ends.

yeah, call me a pessimist.

but i will bounce back. better. stronger. watch out!

Reasons

2011-09-17T08:49:00.003+08:00

wow.

i have not posted any thought in this blog. however, that does not mean i am in love as other bloggers would attest to be the reason why they are not blogging much. take the case of ryan who got married last week. good for him.

and his entries are still there.

probably it was out of laziness in those moments when i was not studying or working. or out of taking an escape from things that occupy my mind most.

will share you soon...

My Life in Words

2011-09-08T21:45:00.003+08:00

haggard. school assignments. reports. deadline. frustrations. demanding. irrational. noisy. loud. palengkera. selfish bitch. self-righteous. overbearing. insensitive. aggressive. pressure. wounds.

hopeful. friends. dinner. appreciation. bonchon chicken. favorite song. stories. benj. pat. pau. may. free tuna. accomplished assignment. dad's flight. prospects. sister. conversation.

Fezbuk

2011-09-03T23:31:00.002+08:00

kumusta naman at isang tanong pa lang ang nasasagutan ko sa assignment.

ubos ang oras ko sa pagfefezbuk at pagtingin ng kung anu-anong website. wish me luck at para perfect ulit ang makuha ko sa mga assignment.

lalo na sa nursing theories.

Happiness in a Cup

2011-08-31T21:49:00.000+08:00

i'm okay now.

after a mcdonald's hot fudge sundae and watching senseless videos on youtube, i'm fine. today is the first day of september. my birthday month. the month when you know that christmas is near.

it was supposed to be happy. and fine. but no, it was not.

after the other boss asked me to do a task like encoding all the audited samples from may to august and after i f***ked up the message of a phone call from my boss (that was according to him) to the revelations benj told me, i could use some breaking down.

i felt suffocated and i could not break free from the disgust that i was feeling towards some people at the jungle called the office.

it was then i decided to go home early. i wanted to scream and break down but i know i got this under my control.

not without the help of sundae. so here i am, blogging and claiming what was stolen from me: happiness.

PH Care

2011-08-27T00:13:00.002+08:00

our usual friendly conversation:

mark: friend
charl: friend! kumusta? namiss kita at buhay ka pa pala?
mark: ito nagmamaganda parin. hahaha

charl: tama at nagmamaganda pa rin
charl: kumusta ka dyan? kumusta trabaho? may jowa kana?

mark: wala pa pero i'm working on that dont worry. HAHA

now asking him about his love life....
charl: sino dun? ung nakared o ung nakablack na nakacap?
mark: alin? huh? gnun na ba ako kadesperado?

charl: loka ka. i hate you! kala ko may pinopormahan ka na. alam ko kasi desperada ka na e.
mark: hahah hindi naman

charl: parang nung nag break kayo ni tato parang nawala ang talent mo
mark: hnd kc ikaw ang model

charl: nung ako nagmodel sa shots mo marami talaga ang naglike at nagcomment. ako ang pinakasuccessful sa mga kuha mo. alam mo un
mark: hahah. oo na ikaw na talaga

charl: thanks! tsaka mga theme mo ang babaw friend. parang nawala na ung kilala kong mark-ung maharot, lively at creative (konti lang).
mark: wala kc magandang lugar dito sa sudan

charl: kita ko mga pics niyo nina tato nung paalis kayo egypt ba't ganon,pumangit siya. napanot talaga siya no?

mark: iwaglit mo na nga yang name na yan! ayoko na marinig

charl: friend,may sasabihin ako. di ko alam kung dapat bang sbihin ko sayo.

mark: ano? sabhin mo na...

charl (Aug 26 11:52 PM): ang babuy mo dun sa picture niyo...at colored na pants pa suot mo! nahiya naman daw ako!

mark: oo alam ko! hahah
charl: hindi!

mark: mali talaga ang outfit ko nun araw na yun.hahah
charl: eeeww friend. eto talaga totoo. may sasabihin ako.
mark: ano?

charl: friend,nagmessage kasi si j.b. saken...di friend. di ko na sasabihin sayo.
mark: ano? sabi?
charl: sabi mo nga pala ierase na name niya

mark: okay
charl: just think na wala akong sinabi sayo

mark: ngayon ibalik mo ulit.hahah.ewan ko syo. pasuspense ka nman. nakakinis!
charl:nagtanong kasi siya sayo.

mark: tapos? ano tinanong?
charl: ok lang ba syo na sabihin ko?

mark: oo sabhin mo na
charl: kasi kanina sinabi mo wag ko na siyang imention

mark: kaysa naman mag isip na nman ako ng magdamag.

charl: namputcha! tama talaga hinala ko e. hindi ka pa rin nakamove on! tinetest lang kita! gaga ka talaga!

mark: leche ka dami mo kaekekan!
charl: alisin mo nga siya sa buhay mo!
mark: tumaba ka sana ng bongang bonga!

charl: huli ka lang kamo!
mark: inalis ko na nga nohh
charl: asaness ka kasi

mark: tse!!!!
charl: loka ka na wow mali ka dahil umaasa ka pa rin

mark: hahah oo umaasa!
charl: hindi siya makakabuti sayo!
mark: pero not that much

charl: gaga ka talaga no? sabi ko na nga ba kakagat ka e. yaan mo na siya sa new zealand friend na maggatas ng mga baka dun. at ikaw, magbilang ka na lang ng butil ng buhangin diyan sa sudan.

charl: may work ka, at healthy ka, un ang importante. yaan na natin siya. hindi maganda ang may galit sa kalooban baka pumangit ka lalo.

mark: hahah. oo naman. mawawla din ito. it takes time.
charl: o zsa zsa padilla. matutulog nako. lagi na lang akong puyat

mark: wag na muna
charl: ayaw kong magaya sayo na natuyo haha.

mark: kaya ka tumataba tulog ka ng tiulog
charl: friend matutulog nako

mark: arte mo
charl: leche ka mahihiya ang mga cilia mo sa ilong nung nagkita tayo. defined na ang jaw line ko no. babye na. mag-iingat ka dyan. magcondom lagi

mark: defined pero lakas mo lumamon. hahahah
charl: maliligo lagi.
mark: gaga ka

charl: magpapalit nang panty at maghugas ng p****k. gumamit ng produkto ko- ph care

good night!

*photo taken here.

What Am I?

2011-08-26T23:15:00.003+08:00

there are some people whose existence make you stop and ask yourself why.

why are they existing and why they should be in your life.

just like botcha girl/ double dip (in the sauce) who has mastered the art of pretending to be busy making reports when in fact, me and our supervisor collaborate to release the "masterpiece." sigh. she earns more than the three of the junior analysts but she delivers the least amount of work.

or the people who talk so loud and cannot modulate their voice. or those people who use vulgar language without considering that they are talking in such a loud volume. or those people who rule one place without having the skills to do so. or those people who are selfish and stops you from realizing what you are meant to achieve.

these people, exist in my world. everyday, they strike a certain part of me that tends to not mind their effects. i sometimes ignore them. sometimes i get angry and shut myself from them. sometimes i smile knowing that their folly will not last. sometimes i pray for i cannot handle it anymore.

to them, what am i?

Clueless

2011-08-25T20:30:00.002+08:00

don't know what to blog.

but here's what happened to me:

passed the exam for advanced pathophysiology. played a domestic role last saturday and sunday. finished the audit. started making my report. made a big decision about what to do with this life of mine. started to believe that botcha girl is not existing in the office.

excited for the long weekend! hope i could finish my assignment for theories.

Two Yays

2011-08-22T20:44:00.003+08:00

hayee!

how was your monday? mine was okay. nothing really bad. except for botcha girl's double dipping in the ranch dressing for the mojos which automatically turned on my control.

not for the mojos but for dipping into that particular sauce. after two slices of pizza, i realized i was not yet full. i guess this is the effect of me not buying slices of pizza yesterday. indeed, i can never learn the value of delayed gratification.

moving on, i was late for 30 minutes today. i hate it. it meant no time to blog hop and to read senseless materials over the internet.

so the good employee was on and i was able to finish one report for this month. yay for me!

but wait there's more! i was able to control my temper over people who are inconsiderate and of which they exist just because they are destined to make me a better person! another yay for me!

two yays in a monday. keep it up!

Bloody

2011-08-18T21:23:00.005+08:00

bloody greetings from the city of san juan!

if every time my brain encounters an ecg rhythm, i could just bleed. but good thing is, i am done with my advanced cardiac life support and i believe i passed.

there goes my convincing efforts.

after what, four years (?), my mind encountered again the challenges of accommodating so much information and be able to retrieve them at any given time. i was scared as hell again and had too much energy drink to keep me awake at 1:00 am and study until 6:00 am.

our group had the famous cardiologist in the hospital as our examiner. i had my moments being an employee of the institution despite my introduction as a non-bedside nurse. i think had the most number of questions tasked to identify the ecg rhythm displayed even if i had a bedside nurse working in our institution in our group.

after almost an hour, we finished the exam and i felt happy for myself.

now back at work, i kinda felt sad. depressed even. where did it come from? i guess from the fact that i am like a fish swimming in a dry land. i could swim but it is not my natural place.

how i am missing nursing.

*image taken here.

Happy

2011-08-16T20:08:00.004+08:00

hayee!

today is my first year anniversary at work! yay! it felt like it was so fast after all the events that led me here. disapproved for u.k. nursing registration after all other things were settled. friends leaving for work overseas. getting rejected at the local hospitals here. then this- a job.

there was no celebration and i did not even tell my office mates about it. it went like another day in the my simple life.

there is a reason for the simplicity of the day. aside from having no resources to light some fireworks and eating like there is no tomorrow, my mind is still being flexed.

i am taking my advanced cardiac life support training and it feels hell. again.

after last week, i thought it was not enough. and now, i kinda question that decision as supra-ventricular tachycardia and atrial fibrillation continue to make my brows meet.

when i went to egypt to work, i had no specialized training for the critical care unit. taking this training feels like a rewind of what i did there. it is weird. not to mention, it is one hell of a challenging class.

but, i am delighted. something is going on with my life.

for that, i am happy. happy anniversary to me.

Cheap

2011-08-15T19:05:00.002+08:00

cheap treats.

cheap haircut. cheap massage. cheap food. i'd say i am all abut cheap things in life. so yesterday, i was kinda hoping for a good experience from a cheap hair salon. i had a nice one before so, why not go again?

well, i learned my lesson the hard way. first, i had a different stylist. i believed that his work attitude was based on the premise that people who go to their salon do't tip. but, i do give ones. especially if i got a good service from them.

his way of moving my head was kinda strong that it appeared i was frequently moving. and stubborn. i hated him. they could not even open their fan to make me comfortable.

at that moment, i just wished that their place would close. and they be jobless.

i did not deserve that treatment but then again, this is what i get from cheap salons.

cheap service.

Exams

2011-08-14T16:30:00.002+08:00

seeing my classmates online was somehow an event i kinda dreaded.

not because i do not like them but it was just i was afraid of how i will behave towards them. me not like nonsense.

and loud. and posers.

in truth, i think i will be out of place with them since those guys are groupmates in one of our subjects. so there. (charo, don't tell them ok? haha)

so after my exam, just went to see my friend.

good times.

Pampered

2011-08-14T16:21:00.002+08:00

so hell week was done.

yesterday, had the two long exams for my masters. i don't know what my scores are but it was a "can't blame myself" feeling.

my right hand, is still stiff after writing for more than five hours. yes, exams were mostly essays integrating what was learned.

so i had a massage. and pedicure. and will have sundae later. plus haircut.

i guess i need some pampering after those grueling days of waking up early to read.

how was your weekend? hope all is well.

P 500.00

2011-08-06T22:26:00.004+08:00

ngayon ang huling gabi ni jonah sa bahay.

bukas, luluwas siya kasabay ko papuntang maynila para sabay-sabay sila ng kanyang mga kapatid pauwi sa mindanao.

malubha ang kanyang ama. sa tantya ko, tuluyan nang lumala ang tuberculosis ng kanyang ama. sumusuka na ng dugo at kailangan na nila ng mga donors para sa dugo.

mahirap kasi type ab ang kanyang ama at sa dami nilang magkakapatid, iisa lang ang kapareho niya ng blood type.

sa pag-uwi ni jonah, marami ang nagpadala sa kanya. mga damit, bag, pabango at kung anu ano pa. ang nakakatuwa, mula ito sa mga kamag-anak namin. hindi ko alam kung ano ang ibibigay ni muder sa kanya.

limang daan piso at ang pamasahe niya bukas ang tanging maibibigay ko sa kanya. sa sahod ko, ito lang ang makakaya ko para sa tulong na binigay niya sakin.

nagka-ayos din sila ng aking ina. dito sa bahay, alam mo na ang lahat ay malungkot sa pagkawala niya.

pero ang mas inaalala ni jonah, si candy:

wala ng mag-aayos ng buhok ni candy at ito, my dear friends, ang pinaka-challenging according to my mom.

on my part, mahihirapan ako sa mga damit. ayaw na ayaw ko kasing maglaba. pero bukod dun, tila mawawalan ako ng isang kapatid.

marami akong narealize.

una, health is wealth. ilang beses ko nang narerealize ito pero ayun, lumamon na naman ako ng daing, nilaga at taba ng talangka. wala na naman exercise. disciple charlton, discipline.

and self-control pala.

pangalawa, hindi naman siguro mahirap itali ang buhok ni candy. kaya naman siguro.

pangatlo, marami namang landry shops sa maynila.

panghuli, all good things come to an end.

simula bukas, dalawang upuan na ang bakante sa hapag-kainan: ang kay ate at kay jonah.

Nothing

2011-08-05T22:34:00.002+08:00

benj is still not talking to me.

at least in the way i think he would normally chat with me. no buzz. no hi. no mabu-mabu hey. just plain nothing on my work computer.

and it feels sad. depressing. at the same time, it feels weird. like tears are flowing if i ever lose my boo.

benj is really that important to me.

if you are reading this, forgive me benj. i am sorry.

Mean

2011-08-04T19:29:00.003+08:00

i can be really mean.

as in lindsay lohan type of meanness. for today, i have pointed the fact that botcha girl is irritating my precious ears so i told my boss that i am gonna plug earphones to cancel out noise.

then, there was benjie falling victim to my venom that is filled with sarcasm and unintended matter-of-fact attitude. i did not mean it and it was unintentional.

you see, our conversation usually goes like the conversation of amaya and marikit. something to that effect. his emotional and sensitive side was really unexpected today.

it must be the colds. or really, it must be my mean mouth.

this is not counting mark's experience of me hitting him with facts that he should have never stayed in a dead relationship.

oh what a mean day!

Blame

2011-08-04T19:06:00.004+08:00

the stupid mouth was on a rampage today. worst, my very best friend is mad at me.

kill facebook. kill the comments section. this is me channeling christopher lao. blaming other people for their own faults.

Weekends

2011-08-01T20:25:00.003+08:00

crazy weekends.

so package was delivered to the relatives of my sister's colleague after waiting for him for two hours. spent another fortune for my fare going to the mall.

still telling myself that this is a good deed for people in need.

from that meeting, much time was spent for not doing my assignment. but anyway, i was able to finish it by lunch time today and i am quite happy with my work.

prioritize charlton.

now the main event of the weekend is not my mother's rants about finances or the challenges in life but jonah's decision to leave our house and go back to their home.

from what i heard, it started from an unanswered question. my mom asked her about something but she did not give any to my mom.

you all know my monster mom. she is something of a different breed. for that, i am not taking sides.

i just know how things are.

for over a month now, people close to me are leaving. there's mark. and sherwin. now, it is jonah.

i do not now exactly how long she has been working with us. it has been so long that i was still in college when she came to replace her sister. now that i am working after coming back to egypt and my brothers are done with college, i say approximately six years.

she was eighteen years old when she came. shy. unassuming. silent. to see her now would make you instantly recognize her growth.

when no one understands me in my family, jonah is that needed strength that seeks to tell me that she understands me. there are things in my life that my own family cannot even understand. only she can give me that push.

her advice that are prompted by his uncle directs my steps and decision-making. i am comfortable whenever i come home because of her.

my clothes are clean perfectly ironed. my room is clean and she takes care of candy like her daughter.

last night, i had a difficulty starting my assignment as sadness crept into my heart over her departure. i will miss her and the space that she will create once she leaves will be truly felt.

jonah, i pray for your father's recovery. should you decide to come back, we will gladly accept you.

let us just ignore vangie's ballistic mouth.

Suffocation

2011-07-30T10:48:00.002+08:00

suffocated from the assignment, family finances and the behavior of everyone in our house, i decided to break my promise to not write in my blog until i am done with the school requirement...

arrgghhhh!

then, there is this colleague of my sister who has sent her package together with my sister's. i mean, that is perfectly fine but their hesitance to stretch a bit in meeting me at the nearest mall in our house, that is insane! i have crossed about 6 towns last saturday and spent almost 600 pesos just to get the package.

that is just f***ing unfair.

what my sister told me? just think that you are doing a good thing for other people. did i just hear that? i am the usually bad guy in every place i have been.

sorry. this is just how intense i feel. as far as the assignment is concerned, i am doing my best in flexing my brain. the finances? i know God will provide. and the behavior? ugghh. i am gonna shrug my shoulders not in an attempt to ignore but to just accept the reality.

okay. i'm done wasting time and energy. back to assignment....

Shifting Mode

2011-07-28T22:17:00.003+08:00

my goal was to start with my assignment. finish some two questions and continue with searching for research articles.

but then, my troubled sister needs company over there in qatar. i know how that feels and for my sister to be the one experiencing it, it is serious. our conversation revolved in this topic: finances.

constantly challenged, we dismissed our anxieties to praying them til they feel embarrassed in pestering us.

then poan buzzed me. a sad news she started. as it turns out, lei has psoriasis. my one-year old inaanak is already suffering from a condition no one really knows the cause. genetics is a major factor but then, that won't go away.

now my talk with poan focused on the fact that lei is still more blessed over kids suffering from other life-threatening diseases.

i may not have started my assignment but i was happy i was available to people who matter to me. and of course, another entry to my blog.

now, back to regular programming.

Eat, Eat More and Pray

2011-07-27T20:09:00.003+08:00

alex got married while jerome is now a father. two classmates. two friends. two people of my age.

now, i hate this part where i look at myself and see where i am or what i have now. comparing is just a disease you inflict to you own body and soul. it makes you weak. it kills your defenses and you become open for invasion of discontent, depression and despair.

i think it is funny that i made this definition of a harmful disease in man but i failed to get rid myself of this phenomenon.

pray Charl. pray. and eat.

Worse

2011-07-27T18:51:00.002+08:00

by monday, i should be done with my assignment.

i guess this is the part of me where rian is very evident. procrastinating. rushing. cramming. but, can you blame us? the urgency of having to produce something out of nothing is enough to keep me writing all day long.

which leads me to my work.

i could have finished my audit report today but instead, i surfed and surfed the net for needless information and addiction. it stems from the belief that i still have tomorrow and friday.

this is getting worse.

Recap

2011-07-24T21:39:00.000+08:00

mga ten hours ang nilaan ko kahapon para sa pagbiyahe mula pampanga hanggang nueva ecija at pabalik muli sa pampanga.

nagkita kami ni poan at ang kuwentuhan ay naging masaya kahit ang inaanak kong si lei ay napakalikot.

*******************************************************

lechon! ang sarap ng lechon nina poan! ang lutong pa ng balat! deadly! hay ang mga kasama sa office na may myfitnesspal na account, mga mypal na lang.

pag-uwi pa ng bahay mula sa pagkuha sa mga padala ni ate kay poan, ang daming cake! birthday kasi ni lola. so much food! so much blessings! thank you Lord!

*******************************************************

sobrang busy ko sa mga bagay na hindi related sa studies at work kaya ratsada ako this week. last part ng audit at mga reports na due for this month. then mga assignment at exams! help!

*******************************************************

sa loob ng isang linggo, dalawang kaibigan ang umalis ng bansa. si weng sa saudi at si mark sa sudan.

ako na ba ang susunod? i wish!

Lord, Your will be done.

Testo

2011-07-18T13:02:00.004+08:00

yes ma'am.

hays. lagi nalang napagkakamalang babae sa telepono. nakulangan ata ako sa puberty. i kinda hated din naman my voice. nakukulangan din ako. magwork na yata ako dapat para ma-stimulate ang testosterone ko.

*photo taken here.

Dedication

2011-07-18T12:50:00.003+08:00

monday. cramped. everyone rushing. traffic. so para makarating on-time, i rode an ordinary bus with me in formal attire. hello carbon monoxide! hello ultraviolet rays! hello oiliness! this is dedication to work.

*photo taken here.

Curly Tops

2011-07-15T10:17:00.005+08:00

say hello to the newest character in my blog: curly tops! yay!

apparently, his significance from annoying almost everybody in the office has earned him the most coveted spot in my blog. well, this is just to give you a break from my rants and what not here in my home.

curly tops started with a quite positive note. then, his childish and egotistic ways has reached the pinnacle of conceitedness. his uncanny ways of bullying people has transcended to us mere mortals in the office.

what he does is place deadlines like a.s.a.p. for a 30-minute notification and asks for explanation of your report even if you have made that report for thirty times before.

his place at mt. olympus created an ambition of no one can understand its significance. he already has the power and we are just wondering why he has to be insecure most of the time.

right now, i am not happy anymore with his antics. people here are demoralized. so thank you for the other gods in mt. olympus for giving us a rest day from his ways here in the office.

t.g.i.f!

Preparation

2011-07-15T09:27:00.002+08:00

matapos ang ilang taon, here comes again yung mga panahong ang daming dapat gawin. assignment. reading activities. audit. reports. mga pag-aayos ng papeles. meeting people.

ilang gabi na din akong natutulog ng pasado alas dose mula sa paggawa ng assignment. ang sarap lumaklak ng antihistamine para sa isang masarap na tulog habang ang mga allergies sa katawan ay nanahimik na.

bukas, seminar ako. hanggang linggo. walang pahinga. walang pagtunganga sa kuwarto.

in a way, natutuwa ako at dahil parang may silbi naman ako sa buhay. ang hirap lang, at the end of the day, i feel so dry. p

nearing my first year here at work, i look back to where i am now. well, dito pa rin ako sa pilipinas habang si weng ay paalis na mamaya papuntang saudi. while my friends have returned to the bedside, i am still confined with the noisy halls of our office. i still get shitty remarks from botcha girl. my varicose veins are starting to appear from time and motion studies.

well, this is something. nung lugmok na lugmok ako mula sa nasirang pangarap sa london, nakabangon naman ako.

i have to prepare now for my one-year anniversary.

Drive

2011-07-09T23:43:00.002+08:00

i think i could use some beer right now. pwede ring tanduay ice na hindi ko pa rin natitikman hanggang ngayon.

at work, some nurses call us the zombies as if we eat their brains by our mere presence. effort ako everytime i face the world at work. ilang beses pabalik balik sa c.r. para icheck ang mukhang hindi naman nagbabago. wait, ang mukhang hindi pumapayat.

why i am saying this? cause i feel like i am zombie by doing routine things without passion. or something that would make me hunger for more. walang drive.

and still, i feel like there is still no direction with my life and career. hay, gusto ko nang kakaiba. nang something na may saysay.

partly, i need to save myself from botcha girl. parang nahahawa ako sa kababawan ng pag-iisip at conviction. napapadalas ang mga halakhak ko sa kanyang folly.

this is not right. wait, eto rin. this is not right. may mga assignment pa pala ako.

hey charlton, that should drive you!

The Care Plan

2011-07-09T23:14:00.002+08:00

i'm dead.

well, somehow. the deadline for our first major assignment is on july 16. the day i am supposed to take our first long exam.

let us now check my progress. done with assignment? not a chance. i am stuck with the nursing care plan for mrs. bm. her altered thought processes has also altered my normal day to day activities. her forgetfulness is so infectious that i am nearly 6 days away from the deadline.

after four years, i am back doing nursing care plans. a part of my college days where i can say that i excelled. i ask myself now where that brilliance went. it has been hours when i opened my book for the list of diagnoses and interventions.

partly, my wandering ways in the cyberspace is a thing to blame. hello self-discipline! i think it is quite obvious that i don't have it. say hello to my weight!

how about my modules? i have to read until module 9 but right now, i have read only three chapters in a really serious mode. the panic mode button is still in its shell. waiting any moment for me to break the glass.

looking back, i was more of a cramming guy. i guess the adrenaline that comes with it has helped me in the past. and right now, this is something that i do not want to maintain.

but, it looks like i am heading to that direction. or until mrs. bm comes knocking at our door asking me to finish her care plan.

Reality

2011-07-04T08:23:00.003+08:00

yesterday, my colds kept me confined in my bed.

that meant no azkals game even if i had to call early last june to get a ticket. also, no sunday service with lovely.

i resolved to myself that i will finish my assignment which i did not.

as i was reading my advanced pathophysiology book about allergies, i said to myself, "that is effing me!" in the midst of quality time with my book, i fell asleep.

my point is, i am writing non-sense now because this is my way of coping with rafa's defeat against novak.

i hate it when he is so vulnerable but i am proud of his humility and strength. but now, i will not be defeated by my laziness with the tasks that i have to do.

this is the reality.

Mildly-damp Face Towel

2011-07-03T21:31:00.002+08:00

though relaxed and comfortable, studying through online mode can be stressful.

that is if you do not feel like getting a mediocre grade and personal embarrassment that can come from cramming and several nights of sleeping without reading a chapter or two of your books and modules.

ryan has always puzzled me about his cramming. now, i share his sentiments.

currently, i am doing an assignment due on july 16. though i have few more days to do it, i am not gonna stay passive with this one. work can be too demanding so i will take all the opportunity to do my school work.

doing my assignment feels like a mildly damp face towel that when you try to squeeze the water of it, nothing comes out. so there, my brain has nothing to offer now.

i just feel like sleeping through the night. good luck!

Langaw

2011-06-30T22:53:00.004+08:00

define langaw.

it is when two of your close friends are bombarded with admirers and no one seems to notice you.

ganito kasi yan, benj and love are two of the people i get to be with most of the time. si benj, via internet and si love, sa aming mga weekly meetings sa victory. isang pinaka-sure sign ata na nilalangaw ka ay ang pagigng good listener.

pano naman, wala kang maikuwento tungkol sa mga admirers mo o kaya ng updates ng iyong crush. malamang sa malamang, makikinig ka lang talaga.

benj never appreciated his complexion. nor his expressive eyes. sa bansang hibang sa kaputian, his exotic looks rarely got the rave. pero little did i know na sagana siya sa mga taga-hanga.

nang magpunta siya ng singapore, i never felt that he left. almost everyday, magkachat kami. mas naging matibay ata communication namin. from this, i have heard his countless stories of hook ups which confirmed na mabenta ang kanyang exotic beauty. translation: katutubong dating.

now, seryoso na daw siya. because he is taken!

moving on, si love naman ang babaeng hindi nababakante ng admirers. sa bus, check. sa bar, check. sa school, check. she has charisma. may nagsabi nga na her name really suits her-lovely.

madalas, i give her advices tungkol sa pag-ibig dahil sabi nga ng aking propesor sa philosophy of man, ang tanging matinong advice sa pag-ibig ay manggagaling lang sa taong hindi in love. ako na ang taong ito. ako na ang magaling mag-advice.

how chariz solomon is to marian rivera, sheena halili to rhian ramos or eugene domingo to ai ai delas alas, ganun na lang din ata ako. supporting. taga-payo. taga-pakinig.

it is not that i am complaining. pwede naman sigurong maiba lang. wag yung nilalangaw sa tabi.

Pananalig

2011-06-30T22:29:00.006+08:00

tomorrow, it will be the first day of july. and so the year is fast approaching its end while i am slowly picking up myself.

tatlong araw na akong subsob sa report na ginagawa ko. i feel like walking the sahara dessert. endless. tiring. in these moments, pinipilit kong pinapagaan ang bawat sandali sa office.

so congratulate me once and for all dahil si botcha girl ay nagkaroon ng silbi. sa kanyang "uniqueness", nakatagpo ako ng source of happiness at laughter.

ang mga out-of-this-world comments niya at mga thought-provoking choice of words keep me sane. tulad na lang ng pag-iimbestiga niya sa mga makasalanang relasyon ng isang magboss sa isang department. pati ang mga "indulgent" patients na nangangailangan ng financial assistance. pwede na rin ang pagkaskas ng asin sa talampakan ng anak para mawala ang lagnat.

in an instant, nag-iiba ang aura ko. light. bubbly. endearing. all because of botcha girl. i now endure the work environment. tanggal ang animosity.

bukas, i will finish my report na. para makapag-aral na sa school at makapagblog ulit. nagsusuffer na sila...

in botcha girl i trust.

My Future

2011-06-24T23:24:00.004+08:00

for weeks, i have procrastinated the task of checking my file to check my chances for applying to the bridging program in australia.

the ever unsatisfied soul searches for something new. his desires are always checked by his goal. now, he has to make a decision.

after presenting the results of the first ever audit on the medical services, i felt exhausted. but my mind kept on thinking. what if?

the chief nurse commented on my healthy adjustment to my department. she further asked me if i have no more desire to work as a bedside. next thing i know, my heart talked.

why then am i not applying she asked. they were currently in need of nurses. but then we both knew from that moment what the answer is. my boss.

he will not let me go.

shall i apply now and banish my connection with my boss who is also a friend of the chief nurse but a close friend of the vice president for human resources?

one thing has been popping in my mind: it is your future. i hope i am getting it right.

Cheesy

2011-06-19T23:29:00.002+08:00

as usual, isang simpleng happy fathers' day ang aking bungad pagkagising kanina.

sa buong buhay ko, i cannot recall an incident na sinabihan ko ang daddy ko or ang aking ina ng i love you. not that i am proud of it but it is just that this is our nature at home.

walang amor. walang cheesy.

and it is not that i do not want to because God knows how i longed for an open and affectionate relationship with my parents. the problem is, hindi ganon ang nature nila.

right now, dad is processing his papers para makapunta ng new caledonia. sa recent work niya sa haiti, they have used a new technology na parang siya ang magiging "in" sa parating na panahon. dahil dito, it opened a lot of opportunities for dad.

including two chances to work and bring us sa australia. as in sa the land down under na pinaka-aasam ko.

kaso nga, nakapirma na siya for new caledonia at hindi na makapag back out. so nakukuntento nalang kami sa pagsasabing ang project na iyon sa australia ay maliit lamang at may inaasahan pa silang mas malaking proyekto.

o kaya ay hindi pa time.

somehow, i want to curse timing for i have always had that look of a salivating dog over a meal that is not supposed to be eaten at the moment.

f*ck it sabi nga ni chris sa season 1 ng skins. and sometimes i want to say this over and over for the times that my dad never thought of migrating to other countries when he was younger and opportunities were many.

or for not teaching me basketball. the guitar. and for the math problems that led me to cheat for frustration of not being able to solve them.

or for not teaching me how to drive. drink and be good buddies. or how to court a girl for f*ck's sake.

hindi lang siguro ganun ang dad ko and i am ok with it. madaming mga "sayang" na moments pero marami rin namang "buti na lang" events.

two weeks ko nang kinukuha ang bp ni dad. 130/90 lagi. tumaas na mula sa kanyang 120/80 nung 2008 ata. little by little, pumapasok sa isip ko ang pagkakataon na magkakasakit sila. pag nangyayari yun, napapailing ako kasi tinitignan ko ang sarili ko at hindi ako handa financially sa mga ganung eksena.

i can't even give in to my wants and i feel like the doors are closing on me. for that, i think of my dad. his calmness and resolved outlook has always amazed me.

words may mean a lot but his actions will do for now. actually, they are what i needed.

dad, happy fathers' day and i will say it here, i love you.

Tissue

2011-06-19T23:08:00.002+08:00

malapit ko ng maubos ang isang rolyo ng tissue mula sa tagas ng aking ilong. welcome to my great long weekend for 2011!

friday. mga 10:00 pm. sinalubong ako agad ng mga latest chismis sa bahay. partikular na ang bangayan ng aking ina sa kanyang mga kapatid na nag-ugat mula sa paniningil ng utang ng isang tiya sa aking ina. maganda naman ang credit history namin kaso nga lang, kinailangan lang maningil dahil sa mga gastusin sa pagpapagawa ng bahay ng aking lola.

enter the dragon. mali, enter ang mga kapatid kong may malasakit sa amin-ang kambal. hanggang ngayon, malabo pa rin sa akin kung pano humantong sa pagsasabi ng aking tiyahin na nasa london na binigyan niya ng pera ang aking kapatid ng 7k para pambili ng cellphone.

nagwala ang aking ina. kasi naman, ang mga kapatid kong ito e hindi naghahanap ng trabaho sa manila sa pag-aakalang walang pamasaheng naibibigay ang aking mga magulang. ok lang na bigyan ng pera pero sana hindi nila irereserba yun pambili ng bagong cellphone.

siye*t sila. kasi ako ang cellphone ko yung may flashlight pa pero hindi ko pinapalitan kahit may trabaho ako. sila naku, maayos pa ang mga camera phones nila pero nag-iisip ng palitan ito. wala sa akin kahit ang kasambahay namin ay may camera phone din.

sana man lang maghanap muna sila ng trabaho ng hindi dumaing nang dumaing ang nanay ko. kakastress lang. kaya tuloy naghanap ako ng button para lamunin ng lupa at makatakas sa mga awkward moments. ako rin kasi, binibigyan ng mga tiyahin ko ng pera lalo na at nag-aaral ulit ako. ipunin ko daw kaso itong mama ko ay umandar ang pride.

kaya sana lang, maka-alis na daddy ko (happy fathers' day nga pala). tapos, maghanap na rin ng trabaho mga kapatid ko. though wala akong problema sa pagbebedspace kung sakaling umalis kami sa tinutuluyan ngayon, ayoko lang yung maglilipat. kakapagod kasi.

sa ngayon, hindi nag-eexist sa aking paningin ang kambal. naasar lang kasi ako. rebellious much. hindi naman ako ganito dati. tsaka parang walang pangarap sa buhay.

anyhow, tatahimik nalang ako at baka makain ko ang sipon ko kung dumada nang dumada.

Virtual Bitching

2011-06-15T19:05:00.004+08:00

i am gonna show the real me now by bitching over my virtual classmates.

school started and somehow, i am feeling the pressure of trying to learn as much as i can within my time management. since classes are held online, my classmates are also by virtue of cyberspace.

but, i am not spared of the usual annoyance and irritation that you can experience with classmates who are know-it-all and act like we are in high school. so whoever told that i am done with these things, you are definitely wrong...

consider the conversation below:

i kinda disliked it because i am not gonna write something on our own wiki if i am not done reading. and if you find me not contributing and too slow, well my dear friends, i am following the timeline i have set for myself. i am not gonna be f*cking following your demands.

kaasar lang. nagmamagaling ang karamihan sa mga kaklase ko. i know the need to strike an impression but hey, we are doing our masters and a little formality and class won't hurt.

sige lang. i could understand you kung magdemand kayo but even in online study sessions, you could not even follow the outline for the flow of the conversation.

hay.

good choice charlton for choosing u.p. at least, i won't have to deal with these kinds of people every saturday.

Torn

2011-06-15T10:18:00.005+08:00

i went home yesterday bruised and my pants torn on the front at the knee part. shoot, i cannot wear these pants anymore.

walking home mildly hurt, i could not shout in anger as my throat itches in preparation for an incoming common colds. if i was only more alert, i could have avoided the "kuligligs" bumping into me.

i just walked away and tried to walk as fast as i can so people won't notice the torn pants that i was wearing.

i was calm. i was relaxed. this is the patient me conducting the affairs of my life.

i thought, my life could not get worse than this. i'm still complete. others may have their clothes intact but do not go home safe. some do not even get to arrive at their homes at all.

my pants may have been useless now but at least, i have a spare and i am not walking naked.

i am gonna stop now before i cry in thankfulness and self-destruct for trying to be a positive me.

*photo taken here.

Timing

2011-06-14T11:46:00.003+08:00

hayee!

im back blogging while on break sa work. buti na lang nakatulog ang i.t. at heto, nakakapagblog ulit.

i went home last friday with a different mood. si mother ay medyo bubbly dahil si daddy ay mukhang matutuloy na sa ne caledonia.

pero heto ang catch.

natanggap din si daddy sa australia na siyang pinakamimithing destinasyon naming lahat sa pamilya. ang problema lang, comitted na si daddy sa new caledonia. ang mahirap, pupuwede kaming sumama kay daddy sa australia.

when it rains, it pours talaga.

sabi ko nga kay ate, kung para samin yon, then magiging available yun. maghihintay yun para samen. gaya na lang ng panalo ng dallas mavericks.

all in God's most perfect timing.

*photo taken here.

Fire Tree

2011-06-11T10:53:00.004+08:00

natawa naman daw ako sa post ko about the concert. sinulat ko pa naman dun kung panong nabless ako.

pero sinundan kasi ito ng post tungkol kay botcha girl.

kaya heto pa, isang pagpupugay sa mga taong namimilit na bumitaw ka sa iyong class at ang virus na naging tao na nakikipaglaban para mahawaan ka ng kanyang "folly."

si botcha girl ay isang leech. sipsip sa boss at ma-epal. descriptions na taliwas sa aking prinsipyo na closeness at popularity by virtue of good performance sa work. idagdag mo pa ang way of the fake smiles and the good listener.

one time, nagvolunteer ako na tulungan ang boss na magbuhat ng kanyang amplifier. so go ako at biglang umeksena si botcha girl. siya na lang daw kasi gagamitin niya ang payong ni sir. naasar lang ako kasi pati si boss, naguluhan. ang isang officemate pa na hiniraman ng payong ni boss ay nagpa-iwan sa office para lang magamit ni botcha girl ang payong.

hays. no money, no class pa!

totoo nga na ang buhay sa opisina ay parang sa gubat. may iba't ibang hayop at may mga insekto pati na parasites.

good thing, isa akong halaman. haha

*photo taken here.

School

2011-06-11T10:22:00.003+08:00

the office has somehow succeeded in keeping the laziness for updating you guys of the most mundane details of my life.

i could not blog anymore but then again, it gives me focus. to my work and school.

so school started officially for me. guess what? i was freaking late for my first day!

not good charl. not good.

but hey, i have not missed anything. orientation was done via web streaming so thank you technology for doing this.

each night, i spend at least one hour for reading books and modules for my studies. it is tough but necessary. it could have been easier if from the moment i passed the licensure examination, i have not stopped reading.

but, no more crying for that lost time as i try to inch my way towards the charl that i used to be in college.

welcome back school!

Ang Bidang Kontrabida

2011-06-06T21:32:00.004+08:00

may mga laban na hirap akong manalo.

isa na siguro ang maging kaibigan ng bayan/ crowd favorite at mister congeniality. bukod sa "expressive" kong mata, ang mukha ko ata ay isang perpektong depinisyon ng bitchface.

dito panalo si botcha girl.

sa opisina, aliw na aliw ang boss namin sa kanya. nakuha niya ang kiliti ni boss kahit kasing botcha niya ang kanyang trabaho.

engot din ako sa acting. i can't seem to make people think na hirap ako sa work. hay. ang ending? i feel neglected at unappreciated sa work. pero i will not make it a big deal.

minsan, mas enjoy ang maging kontrabida. pero, mukha lang akong kontrabida ha?

300

2011-06-06T21:17:00.002+08:00

last thursday, nagawa kong makapasok muli sa araneta coliseum. mahirap mang paniwalaan pero nakapanood po ako ng concert.

sa buong buhay ko, dalawang concert palang ang napapanood ko. ang switchfoot na kung saan sa general admission ako umupo at ang huli, ang hillsong united.

hindi ko na sinama ang pagcucutting classes noong nagpunta sa manila si jason mraz para makapanood ng eat bulaga kung saan nagperform si jason.

i would say sa 300 pesos na ginastos ko, i really had a wonderful time with people who love God.

sulit!

Suwerte

2011-06-01T21:51:00.005+08:00

as i type this, buhay na buhay ang mga taong walang alam gawin kungdi ang uminom at mag-ingay sa gabi. at heto ako, pinipilit na tumapos ng mga module para sa school.

masakit ang mga paa ko. actually, mga binti. mula ito sa halos walong oras na pagtayo sa pagconduct ng time study sa e. r. sinundan pa ito ng biglaan presentation ng ginawa kong audit. sa sobrang biglaan, hindi ko na nasimot ang aking panghapon na kape at nakapagtootbrush sana pagkatapos.

sa e.r., may isang construction worker ang andun. nahulog siya mula sa ikalawang palapag ng gusaling ginagawa nila. unconscious. walang bowel at urinary reflexes. ang paghinga, apetado na rin.

walang mapagkuhanan ng impormasyon tungkol sa pobreng construction worker. ang pamilya ay nasa probinsya daw at ang tanging kasama sa tinutuluyan ay mga kasama rin sa trabaho. inadmit siya sa ospital. mahirap ang pagdadaanan nya at ng kanyang pamilya.

may isang pasyente ang inadmit pa. isang binata ang uminom ng zonrox. bente anyos at masyadong nadepress daw nang malamang baka hindi makapag-aral sa darating na pasukan. sa pag-iimbestiga, hindi lang pala nagkaintindihan ang mag-ama sa paiipag-usap mula sa telepono. nailigtas naman siya ngunit ang panganib na dulot ng zonrox, hindi pa matantya sa mga oras na ito.

sa pananakit ng paa ko at sa oiliness ng aking mukha mula sa pagtayo pati na sa pagtitiyaga sa pag-aaral, maswerte pa rin ako. for a time, nainis ako. lunes ko pa natapos yun pero ang mga bossing ko ay hindi pa tinignan. kanina lang chineck at madami lang silang pinapabago. deadline ko? bukas ng umaga. first thing in the morning daw.

ok. lumipas ang dalawang araw pero hindi nila pinagawa. sa mga oras na nagfacebook sila, sana ay nagkaroon sila ng oras para ipagawa ang mga dapat ayusin. moving on, natapos ko naman. naisend na kanina. sana lang, maging ok na sa kanila.

tuwing gabi, pinipilit kong tumapos ng mga dapat basahin para sa masters degree. mahirap. kadalasan, pakiramdam ko e para akong grade one na tatapak palang sa bagong paaralan. so far, nakakaya naman.

ilang mangagawa nga ba ang nalalagay ang buhay sa alanganin para lang may maipakain sa pamilya? ilang estudyante ang nagtatrabaho para makapag-aral? o ilang libo kaya ang hindi nakapag-enroll ngayon?

normal lang naman siguro ang maburaot sa mga nangyari sakin ngayon. pero, naisip ko na suwerte pa rin ako.

*photos taken here and here.

Some Issues

2011-05-27T22:00:00.005+08:00

for your daily dose of some lovin' brothers. like the jedward twins.

the twins are already done with college. after a month, there is not a trace of them wanting to grow up and own the challenge of their situation. everyday, they will wake up at around 9-10:00 am and would wait to be asked by our maid to eat their breakfast. if they wake up early, it is because of them surfing the net or a basketball game is on.

this, has persisted for a month now.

my mom is going crazy and would transform into her normal monster-like self in a few days. no once could talk to them. not even the sharp tongue that i have could encourage them to start growing up and look for a job.

here are the issues.

1.) confidence
the youngest in our family has grown up sheltered from the harsh realities of the world in that he is uncomfortable in meeting new situations. his preconceived thoughts always triumph in preventing him to face the world. oh wait, the two of them actually. both twins are like this.

2.) nba

now i must admit that i watch nba sometimes for the sake of seeing dirk nowitzky win a championship. but my brother? his world revolves around miami heat or the lakers. f*ck it but i just don't get it! i am not like this with rafa, with the feu volleybal team and real madrid! i swear, i do not get affected with their loss to the point of losing concentration when writing reports for the service time of the emergency room or my hands shaking. or the idea of my senses lost for a moment for every defeat. i. am. not. like. that. and lastly,

3.) lazyness
i beging to question and reflect to the manner i presented myself to the twins way back after finishing my degree. all i could remember is me walking all over manila for hospitals that would accept me. even the hospitals in pampanga were not spared from my glitzy resume. but why are not they applying? i believe that i have been a good model for them. it is just that i found job after almost a year from passing the licensure exam. but you know how it is to be a nurse in this country.

the reason why i am able to blog like a mad man right now is that i am at home and the internet connection is pretty decent. then this twin comes at my door asking me to do a make over of his resume.

an opportunity to lash him out for his attitude was seen but i somehow "restrained" myself. however, i was still successful in telling him that it is because of nba that is why it is just now that he starts fixing his things.

well, some credit goes to my dad. he is at home by the way after two months from spreading some love in haiti.

i told my brother that he had all the time in the world to do it. so there, he left the room in utter shame (hope so) because i made him feel that way.

but i will do the make over tomorrow.

*photos taken here and here.

Resurrected

2011-05-27T21:35:00.003+08:00

after 50 years, i am back.

let me blame the i.t. department for doing their job very well. i could not blog anymore. to add, my broadband is not living to its hyped prowess.

now, i am here. no posts for five days.

i welcome myself back to the blogosphere.

Attention

2011-05-21T22:08:00.002+08:00

i feel like my attention span is getting shorter and shorter.

as of this moment, i should be reading some posts from people i have sought information for my ultimate goal. copy some photoshop lessons. finish some downloaded episodes of house and some movies. fix my budget for the remaining days of the month.

and i have done nothing.

even at work, my mind is drifting away. internet is not helping as well. to this, i feel like i am deteriorating.

so what will i do?

i am gonna finish this post and do the things listed here one by one. wish me luck.

High

2011-05-20T09:56:00.000+08:00

current song: jingle bells
current smell: solignum (anti-termites)
current mood: high (on solvents)

medyo nagulat ako dahil friday na nga. parang kelan lang nung excited akong umuwi para makita si benj tapos ngayon, friday na ulit. malapit na siyang umuwi.

hindi ko rin naman kasi napapansin ang paggalaw ng mga araw dahil hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin tapos ang opisina namen. but this is good dahil sa mga susunod na araw, mag-aaral na ulit ako. this is one thing na bago at nakakapagpa-excite saken.

si boss, ray conniff ang trip. christmas na dito sa office pero okay lang kasi medyo sumasaya ang pakiramdam ko. well, this is my best effort to shake off my nerves habang nag-aabang sa laro ng dallas mavericks.

happy friday!

Addict

2011-05-19T21:52:00.003+08:00

magdadalawang linggo na akong addict.

ang tinitira ko? pintura at rugby. pagpasok palang sa opisina, high na agad ako. sa magtatatlong linggo sa paggawa ng aming opisina, bangag ako sa amoy ng pintura.

hindi na nga ako makapag-isip nang matino sa amoy, dumadagdag pa ang pukpok ng martilyo at mga kantiyawan ng mga trabahador sa plywood na humihiwalay sa aming opisina at magiging extension nito.

now, bakit ginugutom pa rin ako sa trabaho? dapat busog na ako sa amoy...

Ang Misteryo ng Kanta

2011-05-18T19:13:00.004+08:00

classic na ang kantang ito sa bar sa ibaba ng building namen. mapababae o lalake, sabay sabay silang bibirit lalo na pagdating sa linya ng chorus na pataas ng pataas.

sa tatlong buwan na nag-ooperate ang bar, mainstay ang kantang ito. napansin ko, pati sa mga singing contests e paborito itong kantahin. kahit nga mga batang paslit na never pang nakaranas na mainlove.

ano bang meron sa kantang ito? e napakalungkot naman niya. tapos nakakapatid pa ng ugat sa leeg sa pag-abot ng nota.

siguro, merong kakaibang sensation kapag naabot mo yung nota. masarap siguro sa pakiramdam. o kaya, masarap lang talagang kantahin ang mga kantang pang-sawi sa pag-ibig.

di bale, bukas, itatry ko din siya.

Win or Lose

2011-05-18T14:01:00.002+08:00

for now, i will stop following my favorite teams. i just can't see them lose and be unaffected.

there's nadal. then real madrid. feu men and women's volleyball team. for a time, i have celebrated their joy and it has affected me tremendously. but losing? it is still hard after all to accept it.

i will now stop following the dallas mavericks to avoid the pain.

because winning is something but accepting defeat is everything.